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when i am weak, then i am strong

i am not the kind of wife that i would like to be for my husband. i have many flaws. i am very weak, i have a weak mind. i can never be the perfect wife that God desires for me to be. but when i am weak, God is strong! therefore i cannot be ashamed of my weakness. you will know that when you see me strong, it is not really me, but the Lord working in me and through me. .if you could see me without Christ power in my life, then you can know how weak i truley am. My God created me this way. He can use my weaknesses and my flaws to show the world just how strong HE is! i just have to be willing to let Him shine through me. (to my husband: forgive me for being so weak, have patience as God works in me. I LOVE YOU, ANDREW!)
Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. 1 corinthians 1: 26-29
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

9-11

I remember one crazy september morning in 2001 when my family went to visit my uncle in New York. We had a big day planned, and one of the first things on the list was visiting the World Trade Center. As we were getting on the train in Manhattan, I was the first in my family to hear what had just happened. The first plane hit. Of course, the train had to stop before we reached our destination. By now, the second plane had hit, and everything was chaos. Just a few blocks from the World Trade Center, we could see the smoke rising. As were searching for transportation, we saw debri everywhere. Cars where covered with ash and smashed with cement blocks. Many train and subways had shut down. We had to walk. Finally, we got in a long line to a fairy. While on the fairy, we watched as buildings collapsed. Then, we walked some more to the train station. We had walked miles. We made it back to my uncles house and were relieved when we found that everyone was okay, including my uncle who works right near the WTC but luckly was at a meeting somewhere else. Once we could get through the phone lines, we informed everyone that we were safe. It was an interesting day. but I can honestly say that it hasnt effected my life much. Its not that Im not patriotic, I enjoyed seeing America unite over this tragedy. I dunno, I just dont get it. It could be because I hadnt really heard of the WTC before this. If it had been the Statue of Liberty I might have felt more of a loss, because that is something I have grown attached to in this Country. But then I realized that its not even about the buildings, its not about America; its about the lives! I was in the presence of death and pain. And now that I think about it, that- that does effect me! God placed me there.. for a reason. Close enough, but not too close. (If I had actually escaped from the buildings, Im sure I would have burdend myself with guilt that I could have saved others.) I am still not sure exactly what the reason was, but I'll never regret being there.. I know that it will shape a part of who I am. So, I want to end with this: You never know... when or where something tragic might happen. You never know... when you or someone you know may take their last breath. Are you ready for it? Are you prepared? Dont live with regrets; act now! God bless you all.

emotions

emotions- a beautiful thing! of course, they can be just the opposite of that if they get out of control. in fact, being 'emotional' generally has a negative connotation. and i can understand why. i know that for me, i can easily end up in tears, which most people (at least my husband) view as a negative thing. but this is simply because of the overwhelming aspect of emotions. wether the emotion is saddness, joy, suprise, hurt, fear, etc. emotions can be so intense to the point that they somehow need to be released. but.. what if you can feel emotions... so intense... without it becoming overwhelming? i dont know excatly what Heaven wil be like, but i can imagine that this will be a certain aspect of it. if, while we are on earth, we can see and reflect just a small glimps of God glory.. imagine being in Gods full presense and basking in all of His glory! just imagine how insanely intense that would be! i dont even know if theres a word for the emotion to describe it. experiencing this... to the fullest... without becoming overwhelmed, but able to hold it all in and dwell on it. how beautiful that would be! i believe to really live, we should give in and experience the very depth of pure emotion. what is life without it?

childlike trust in the Lord

Psalms 131 (NASB)
1O LORD, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty; Nor do I involve myself in great matters, Or in things too difficult for me. 2Surely I have composed and quieted my soul; Like a weaned child rests against his mother, My soul is like a weaned child within me. 3O Israel, hope in the LORD From this time forth and forever

not ready

i have a strong desire to share the truths of my Lord to the world. yet somehow, it always seems as if someone (or something) knocks me down. they praise me for my zeal and willingness, then rebuke me saying, "there is still so much you have to learn." how very humiliating this is, especially for someone like me. how i desire for people to look up to me so they might learn these truths, but then i realize that i am the one who should be looking up to those who are wiser. how can i be a mentor, when i am unwilling to be mentored? i long for my Lord to use me to reach out to the world. i have such confidence, but does He not find me ready? oh, my arrogance overwhelms me! i must convince myself- there is still so much i have to learn.

the fall

we all have our battles with the flesh (sinful nature). while our Spirit says one thing, our flesh says another. sometimes it can be hard to tell which is which. and sometimes i just feel like one big contridiction. if life is like a puzzle.. then the peices didnt seem to be fitting together in my mind. God knows my desires, but something seemed...off. while i was pondering this, God asked me to say out loud what it is that i desire. " i want to do great things for You and Your Kingdom." to me this seemed to be coming from the Spirit. but then He asked me to repeat it.. slower. "because i.... oh, I want to do great things. ME! not anyone else. not with anyones help. just me!. " and the more i thought about it, it wasnt just for Him and His Kingdom either. it was also for my own selfish ambition. i want to be heard, i want to be looked up to, i want, i want.... i want it to be ME. ive been marely deceiving myself into thinking it was all for God. my flesh had taken over. i see myself on a pedestal. the pedestal is raised everytime i imagine myself doing great things. higher up into the sky.. thats just were i wanted to be. but God told me to look down. it was a long ways to the ground. He told me that if i recieve the greatness that i desire, i would no longer need to depend on Him. i could do it all myself. when this happens, he would have to knock the petestal to the ground and i would face a long, long fall. i see the pedestal starting to tip over, and im sliding... i try to hold on, but it keeps tipping. i cont hang on much longer! ALRIGHT already; i get the point!..... i curse my flesh, and my Spirit rises again. i repeat my desire one more time: " i want You to use me. i want You to do great things through me for Your glory and Your Kingdom."

perfectionism

perfectionism can most surely be a curse. of course, we all have a desire to be perfect in some way, to some extent. but when that desire starts controlling us... thats when we have a problem. i have spent many nights jsut thinking about myself and trying to figure out what is wrong with me or what i am missing. i have an image in my mind of perfection: graceful, strong, wise, etc. and i try to fit and conform my life to this image. the problem is, naturally, that it is imposible for me to become this person that i want to be and so i discourage myself often and rebuke myself failing. that is why i hurt. my friends, family, even my enemies cannot hurt me as much as i hurt myself. but if i can never be perfect....... then who can i be? how can i feel complete?
my Lord responds: " just be who I called you to be. when it comes to whats important (in My eyes), i will give you the grace, the strength, the wisdom and words to say right when you need them. trust Me. and if its not important... dont worry about it. get over not being perfect and just try to enjoy being who you are. remember My child, that I created you this way. just as you are. only I can make you truley complete. no amount of grace, strength or wisdom can do that for you."
so here i am. a new day as i try to walk in the light of this revelation. letting go of the past, letting go of the burdens that i held over my own head, hindering me from all that im suposed to be. letting go of everything that i am not..... holding on to who i really am.